for you today…
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. [Marianne Williamson]
hope and fear
tonight i was driving in from dickson (about 40 miles out of nashville) where there are few lights on the freeway and the sky was absolutely clear. during my drive i saw a shooting star, and made a wish 
it’s funny that i made a wish. i had just had the conversation that hope can be a scary thing sometimes. i know i’ve written about it before but i remember watching a show where a man once said “hope is my enemy”. how can hope be an enemy? i think hope can be a scary thing when what you hope for you want so badly that if it doesn’t happen, it will be crushing. the fear of the possibility of it not happening is greater than even having the hope for it to happen in the first place. hope and fear have been all over my life in the last few days.
…fear isn’t only a guide to keep us safe; it’s also a manipulative emotion that can trick us into living a boring life. [donald miller "a million miles"]
fear really is a crazy thing that i don’t completely understand. why do we allow things to stop us from really going all out?
as i drove home, i couldn’t help but just want to just take a rock, write all my hopes and fears on it and throw it to the sky, give it to God and not worry about it again. but i’m human and that is easier said than done i will continue to hope and i will continue to fear. it’s hard for me to put into words the conclusion i came to on my nice drive this evening. i guess, if i am so fearful that it prevents me from hoping for something then i will get exactly what i asked for. so i guess the cliche is true… aim for the moon, that way, even if you miss you’ll still be amongst the stars [w. clement stone]. aiming is necessary though
i <3 resolutions
as 2009 concluded i had just finished reading “a million miles in a thousand years” by donald miller. i had owned this book for months and never had a minute to pick it up because of school and i’m glad because i needed to read it when i read it, i think, to get the full effect it had on me. if you haven’t read the book, stop reading this, go buy it right now and read it. i finished it on my flight from nashville to la and wanted to stand up in the middle of my flight and just scream because i was so moved by it.
anyways, the book talks about living a great story (you can see his most recent blog post on it here) and i realized the last couple chapters of my life haven’t been all that exciting. i don’t follow through on a lot of my dreams and aspirations because of fear. while i have grown a ton because of the times i’ve relied on faith, i know there’s more.
2009 was fabulous for me. i saw hope come back into my life, i grew closer with the friends i had and gained new ones. i grew in my relationship with God and have learned that cool prayer is. i was reading through my bible a couple nights ago and came across a highlighted verse – but they, our forefathers, became arrogant and stiff necked, and did not obey your commands. they refused to listen and failed to remember the miracles you performed among them. [nehemiah 9:16-17] – it blew me away. i always like to go back to the old testament and look a the israelites post-egypt and see all the amazing things that was done for them, yet when they grew content or whatnot they were angry at God, they kept overlooking all the miracles that had happened to them. i do this all the time and am challenging myself this year to not forget…
i need to trust and overcome fear and not try to control things and just hand them over to God. He’s done a good job so far, and probably will do better than i ever could.
despite what most people think about resolutions, i like them, my last few years have been great for me. in 2008, i resolved to serve more and that brought me some great friendships and amazing experiences. in 2009, i resolved to do even more serving and focus on people and my relationship with God. so this year, i hope to build off the last two years and add a couple extras
1) run a mile without stopping
2) learn to cook, i currently bake a ton but really do not cook much
3) serve beyond what i think i can
4) continue building my current relationships and create some new ones. (if i’m cooking then i should have people over for dinner a lot:))
5) do something crazy during my summer off to really challenge me
so there it is. 2010 is here and i am excited and hopeful.
i hope 2010 is awesome for you!
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related post: let’s throw it off a cliff!
statistics shouldn’t paralyze
Yesterday I got to spend time with some of the most beautiful kids I have ever seen. I had the privilege of spending another amazing weekend (my fourth) in a small town in eastern Kentucky with a group from my church. The big eyes of those little ones were so full of excitement and hope and I literally had to turn away several times to gain composure and do everything I could to not cry. I was so happy for them to get their pictures with Santa, play the festive games and of course, get presents, but after spending a semester engrossed in all sorts of reading on development I couldn’t help but think about the roads ahead for these children.
That little girl with her furry jacket and piercing eyes; the little boy with his curly hair and adorable tie; the little girl in her fabulous snowsuit eating her candy cane; the little boy who REFUSED to sit on Santa’s lap; the girl who was so excited to get her hair done she wanted a picture taken and printed of her new do; and so many more… Each of these kids was crafted by an amazing God. He knows every hair on their head as He knows mine. But, unfortunately, something probably will happen to these kids in the next 5, 10, 15 years that will rob of the hope and excitement that was shining in their eyes this weekend. Statistics are against these beautiful children and that’s what made tears well up in my eyes all day and really breaks my heart. Violence, drugs, and so much more are a part of their lives or will more than likely be soon.
I could have ran and cried and asked why all day but what good would that have done? Nothing. Statistics shouldn’t paralyze you or me from loving on these kids or anyone else in the world. I can’t change an entire city but I can love on a kid, on their family and on the community and hope that love makes the difference. I always look at the story of the disciples and Jesus feeding 5,000 people with two fish and five loaves of bread and know that if I do what I can with my two fish and five loaves, the miracle will happen and the people will be fed. Together with others and with faith, crazy things can happen.
In my life I’ve seen people not do anything because they are overwhelmed by huge numbers and daunting tasks, heck, I’ve fallen victim to this myself at times. We’ve been paralyzed by the idea that we can’t fix everything so we don’t attempt to help fix anything. But, just think… (and by no means do I mean to come off pretentious or like I’m super cool or anything) What if I had let the statistics paralyze me yesterday? How many smiles may have not happened? What if we all (our group of 80 or so people) had been deterred from serving because we couldn’t change anything immediately? An entire community wouldn’t have been able to celebrate Christmas like we did yesterday.
whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me (matthew 25:40)
cliff jumping lesson #1
[lesson one] people
if it weren’t from some people, i wouldn’t even be here in nashville. i would have run away a while ago and sought out comfort. there were two time periods in the last four years where i shut people out, i was so not happy with where i was at in life i felt like i needed to do it on my own or felt as if i were a burden with all my complaining.
the first was when i left my first church here in nashville, i loved those people but i knew in my heart that i was supposed to leave (another story, for another day…) i don’t know why or how it came to that i just knew it was supposed to happen. when i cut it off, i cut out a majority of the people i knew here. i didn’t find a church for another six months and that six month period i was tired of people and wanted to do life on my own. it was horrible. i got comfortable. i had been in the ‘dream job’ for almost a year and maybe i got too big-headed, i had the job, didn’t pray as much as i did prior to getting the job, i distanced myself from a lot of things that would have been good for me, including people. i found my current church six months later and as easy as it is to slide in and out without talking to a soul, something in me challenged me to get involved. week number 2, i signed up to work with one of the kids’ programs and by week number 4 i was in a community group. i had absolutely no desire to do either, but knew it was something i needed to do. (if you haven’t learned by now, i rely (probably too much) on my heart)
the second time was the summer of 2008, probably one of the lowest points of my life, i had lost absolutely all hope in anything. i believed God had brought me from my home to this strange place for a reason and that reason was now blowing up in my face and i was so stressed out my health deteriorated quick. i learned what stress could do to a person that spring/summer and i hope i never let stress take over me like that again. because obviously, God’s timing was off according to my watch, i again, shut myself off from people. this time it was mostly because i felt like i had become this big burden, i was not the best to work with, every prayer request was the same thing, it was like i had become a broken record. the amazing thing during that time, even though i ran, people pursued me… they wouldn’t let me go, they wouldn’t let me give up.
how do these both end? obviously i’m no where near where i was in either situation presently. one word – people. i believe whole-heartedly that we are not meant to do life alone. i can sit here in nashville and know that i wouldn’t be sitting here if it weren’t for the amazing people that God put in my life to help get me through those times. when talking about community i always quote galatians 6:2 which says to “carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.” it wasn’t until the dust cleared that i really was able to see how many people that loved me surrounded me and i knew that they were there the entire time i ran off on my own. God worked through a lot of people to help me stay afloat and make it to the next chapter He had in store for me.
relationships are so important and it’s also very important to surround yourself with people who will help carry that burden when you need help and also to be that for others…
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related post: i jumped off a cliff 4 years ago today
i jumped off a cliff four years ago today
the biggest leap of faith i have taken so far in my life happened four years ago today when i arrived in tennessee after a three day roadtrip from california.
prior to that day four years ago i had never been to nashville or even the state of tennessee and i knew absolutely no one here! but i knew deep down in my heart that it was what i was supposed to do. there is nothing like that feeling of peace. i would always tell people, i was scared about the move but there was no fear. very few times in my life have i ever had such clarity.
i have grown immensely in the last four years, i can’t believe it’s already been that long! moving out on your my to a completely foreign place challenged me greatly but i am a much better person for it and am so much more faithful.
i won’t dive deep into the details today though… throughout this week i am going to blog about four lessons learned in my four years so far on this crazy journey of trust.
break the cycle
six and a half years ago i lead a spring break trip through my school to go serve the homeless in washington, d.c.. i had no idea what to expect from the experience, but knew it would be one that would help grow me. little did i know that it would be a large contributing factor in this huge change in my heart. before the trip i thought about the homeless, volunteered to feed them and everything, but the trip gave the homeless population faces and personalities, it made the issue a reality and i am forever grateful for the opportunity to work along some wonderful organizations that snowy week in our nation’s capital.
but this entry isn’t about my trip, it’s about breaking the cycle. i start out with my story in d.c. because it was that week that our host gave each of us a lock washer. a lock washer, you ask? yes, a little circle you can buy at a hardware store, or amazon (you can click on the link to get a better picture). she gave us this simple piece of metal to remind us to break the cycle. if you look at it it’s not a complete circle, it sort of twists where there is a break. i wrote in my journal the night she gave it to us we can get caught up in a daily routine and we need to change that every once in a while. i was a bright 19 year old but it’s true, comfort and doing the normal can be just as dangerous as proactively doing something bad. while routines are nice, they lose excitement and don’t challenge.
i hate the thought of living life without challenges and living a life of comfort, but i let it happen all the time. comfort sneaks in, gets settled and just hangs out before i even realize that i am doing nothing to challenge myself or change up the daily monotony that can become a part of life. it is fascinating to me that i can hate the idea of something but live it out so often.
tonight at our community group meeting i talked about how i wonder sometimes if i can even create change in a horribly broken world. i’ve been reading and reading and reading a ton about lots of horrible things that are occurring in the world for school and there are moments where i get paralyzed by the idea of even making a dent in the plethora of problems in the world. but i believe that a group of dudes and Jesus were able to feed more than 5,000 people with five loaves of bread and two fish and i bet you that little kid who had the basket of food initially didn’t think it was possible [john 6], he probably didn’t think he could be used in such a way… i always bring myself back to that story, it’s probably my favorite in the bible. i don’t conduct the miracle, i just need to be there and willing to take the risk to help make it happen. but alas, i will hit a wall tomorrow i’m sure and want to run away from the challenges set before me but i will always have a constant reminder from that little piece of metal.
i wanted to share with you what was given to me six and a half years ago. feb 28th, 2003 – i received that lock washer and put it on the ribbon bookmark in my journal (which i still use today). every time i open my journal i see this little metal thing wrapped in ribbon and take a moment to think am i breaking the cycle?
p.s. this entry reminded me of the song “comfortable” by john mayer. if you haven’t heard it, take 99 cents and download it on itunes now. it’s really a great song and while it’s about relationships, i think comfort applies to all aspects of life.
plant a seed…
i have adopted a new motto recently, i say it all the time. i tell people to “plant a seed”. it’s kind of like paying it forward except why wait to have someone do something nice for you to do something nice for someone else? just go out and do it!
immediate gratification is something that is drilled into our heads as being a good thing which i think makes us not want to invest in things without an immediate return. people want the fruit right after planting the seed and well, unless the seed is horribly genetically engineered or something wacky goes into it, i really don’t think that’s possible.
i’ve learned a lot over the past year in interacting with people of all sorts of demographics that i can invest and invest and invest but may never see what comes of the investment… in a bible study a few weeks back a man said that when you give money to a homeless man, it’s not the value that’s important, it is that i am giving control over and trusting that the money will do some good. it’s not my place to judge and immediately stereotype the recipient of the money, it’s only my place to know that i am blessed and that i trust that the money will go to good and God will have the responsibility of judging, not me.
what i am trying to challenge myself to do (and believe me, i have room to grow in this) as well as a lot of the people i interact with, is to plant seeds EVERYWHERE. something small to you may mean the world to someone else. and the worse thing? not really, but i know you’re thinking it… you may NOT be around to see how the plant grows! trust that every seed you plant will be sowed, if you have the opportunity to sow, then do it, but if not it doesn’t mean you should withhold kindness.
it’s what we’re called to do. LOVE. i challenge you to do it. give someone a hug who needs it; drop a card in the mail to someone who you haven’t talked to in ages; ask someone how they’re doing and really mean it. go ahead, plant some seeds!
what makes me, me – part 2
Most of our community group meetings open up with an icebreaker type question. Last night’s was “What Is Your Favorite Holiday?” See, I have a problem with Christmas (not because I don’t want to celebrate Jesus’ birthday) because it’s 5 days after mine and well, I like celebrating birthdays but it always was hard to do when I was young because Christmas was always the same week. Heck, it’s still hard to do now because everyone’s already left for their vacations… I never got cupcakes in my kindergarten class, rarely got birthday cards outside of immediate family and best friends and yes, I’m still dealing with those issues
my election day tracker (hand made!)
Anyways, I thought it about it and went through the year and thought when was the last time I wanted to throw a party for a holiday? ELECTION DAY! So yes, I let part of my inner nerd out and said Election Day. The response from the room was what anyone would expect So I went on to explain about my wonderful Election Day party that I planned in my head for like a year… I even made a huge color in map with white boards above it to keep track of electoral votes!
Let me explain why I like Election Day.
1) I love government and politics. I majored in International Studies with an emphasis in Political Science in school but prior to that I was a straight Poli Sci major and took a course in Campaigns & Elections. I learned a lot about what goes into campaigning cause we had to work one and everything and had a new outlook on it all.
2) Yes, I am only 1 vote. BUT IT’S ONE VOTE! If I didn’t vote, there would be one less. AND elections are starting to get so close now (i.e. Minnesota Senate Race 2008, Presidential Election 2000, etc.), what if someone wins by just 1 vote? You’d be glad you voted!
3) There are so many people in the world who are not blessed to live in a democratic society where they can freely vote. Or if they can, they might get shot while going to the polling place if they are supporting an opposing party. We are lucky. I can go to my local polling place with full confidence that I can vote for whoever I want, freely. It does makes me sad when people don’t vote, but that’s their choice. I’ve gotten in crazy arguments on it before just because we are lucky to live in a democracy and there are people who would die to have the chance to vote.
Election Day is a great holiday. No we don’t get the day off work and no, there’s no gifts but it’s still exciting to see the poll numbers come in at the end of the day and know that I helped contribute to them
ctrl+alt+del
these three buttons are what i turn to when my computer even moves a second slower than it should. today while in the midst of sending emails at work my outlook decided to freeze as it does at least twice a day everyday. yesterday i just sat and waited for my computer to catch up with all the commands i threw out at it; today that wasn’t the same story. i was in a hurry. hurry to get to what? i have no idea. send another email, prepare for a meeting, who knows? probably for NOTHING. when i press those three buttons and end the program as its trying to process it really does create more work but it’s immediate gratification, there is movement on my computer as opposed to blank screens for a minute or two. when i exit out mid-email, i lose the email which means i’ll have to re-type it. why do i always jump to the ‘quicker’ option when in the end it’s not all that much quicker?
last night my at my community group meeting we discussed the sin of sloth. the conversation was spurred by an article in relevant magazine by jeff cook (can’t remember the month, it was in the last few, kings of leon was on the cover) about sloth in today’s world. the article says “sloth is not about laziness, it’s not about taking time to rest or failing to be a good little capitalist. sloth is about indifference-indifference toward the soul, indifference toward other human beings, indifference toward the world, indifference toward God.” we live in a world that keeps us so busy and in need to be immediately gratified that we become indifferent because we don’t see results quick enough. the verse that slapped me in the face while studying sloth was proverbs 18:9 “one who is slack in his work is brother to one who destroys”.
you are probably asking, but working and not working are completely different, how is one who works slothful? after reading into it a little i got a different view on the subject. sloth is being indifferent but it can also represent the hyperactivity that we immerse ourselves into with no objections. the article also says “sloth is a zeal for what is trivial, and it infects both the fanatic and the apathetic with the same disease.” me spending 4415646 hours on facebook is just as bad as me sitting on a couch doing absolutely nothing which is also just as bad as me being obsessed with money and my job because they all 1) take me away from pursuing a relationship with God and 2) take me a way from doing God’s work in this world.
we do ctrl+alt+del all over our lives because things don’t move fast enough. and we judge that if someone’s moving slower in life (or just not in our direction at our pace) then we are better off and try to fix them. we want to fix EVERYTHING when maybe they don’t need to be fixed at all and all we need to do is just wait it out and not expect our seeds to sow overnight (or outlook to recover in a second). i just need to sit, breathe, and enjoy the stillness of life; appreciate all the things God put in our world that we overlook so often because we speed by.
so this week, i am keeping track of how much time i spend on the internet (including writing this blog). i told my community group that i would send them that time, not sure if they thought i would be serious but i am keeping track for me. the internet is a HUGE distraction for me in life and i admitted that i struggle with prayer and so the time i’m trying to not spend on the internet i am trying to spend in prayer. i am human and may fail but i’m still going to try and fight my everyday distractions.
and maybe tomorrow i won’t try to ctrl+alt+del my computer when outlook starts freaking out again…
