break the cycle
six and a half years ago i lead a spring break trip through my school to go serve the homeless in washington, d.c.. i had no idea what to expect from the experience, but knew it would be one that would help grow me. little did i know that it would be a large contributing factor in this huge change in my heart. before the trip i thought about the homeless, volunteered to feed them and everything, but the trip gave the homeless population faces and personalities, it made the issue a reality and i am forever grateful for the opportunity to work along some wonderful organizations that snowy week in our nation’s capital.
but this entry isn’t about my trip, it’s about breaking the cycle. i start out with my story in d.c. because it was that week that our host gave each of us a lock washer. a lock washer, you ask? yes, a little circle you can buy at a hardware store, or amazon (you can click on the link to get a better picture). she gave us this simple piece of metal to remind us to break the cycle. if you look at it it’s not a complete circle, it sort of twists where there is a break. i wrote in my journal the night she gave it to us we can get caught up in a daily routine and we need to change that every once in a while. i was a bright 19 year old 
but it’s true, comfort and doing the normal can be just as dangerous as proactively doing something bad. while routines are nice, they lose excitement and don’t challenge.
i hate the thought of living life without challenges and living a life of comfort, but i let it happen all the time. comfort sneaks in, gets settled and just hangs out before i even realize that i am doing nothing to challenge myself or change up the daily monotony that can become a part of life. it is fascinating to me that i can hate the idea of something but live it out so often.
tonight at our community group meeting i talked about how i wonder sometimes if i can even create change in a horribly broken world. i’ve been reading and reading and reading a ton about lots of horrible things that are occurring in the world for school and there are moments where i get paralyzed by the idea of even making a dent in the plethora of problems in the world. but i believe that a group of dudes and Jesus were able to feed more than 5,000 people with five loaves of bread and two fish and i bet you that little kid who had the basket of food initially didn’t think it was possible [john 6], he probably didn’t think he could be used in such a way… i always bring myself back to that story, it’s probably my favorite in the bible. i don’t conduct the miracle, i just need to be there and willing to take the risk to help make it happen. but alas, i will hit a wall tomorrow i’m sure and want to run away from the challenges set before me but i will always have a constant reminder from that little piece of metal.
i wanted to share with you what was given to me six and a half years ago. feb 28th, 2003 – i received that lock washer and put it on the ribbon bookmark in my journal (which i still use today). every time i open my journal i see this little metal thing wrapped in ribbon and take a moment to think am i breaking the cycle?
p.s. this entry reminded me of the song “comfortable” by john mayer. if you haven’t heard it, take 99 cents and download it on itunes now. it’s really a great song and while it’s about relationships, i think comfort applies to all aspects of life.
ctrl+alt+del
these three buttons are what i turn to when my computer even moves a second slower than it should. today while in the midst of sending emails at work my outlook decided to freeze as it does at least twice a day everyday. yesterday i just sat and waited for my computer to catch up with all the commands i threw out at it; today that wasn’t the same story. i was in a hurry. hurry to get to what? i have no idea. send another email, prepare for a meeting, who knows? probably for NOTHING. when i press those three buttons and end the program as its trying to process it really does create more work but it’s immediate gratification, there is movement on my computer as opposed to blank screens for a minute or two. when i exit out mid-email, i lose the email which means i’ll have to re-type it. why do i always jump to the ‘quicker’ option when in the end it’s not all that much quicker?
last night my at my community group meeting we discussed the sin of sloth. the conversation was spurred by an article in relevant magazine by jeff cook (can’t remember the month, it was in the last few, kings of leon was on the cover) about sloth in today’s world. the article says “sloth is not about laziness, it’s not about taking time to rest or failing to be a good little capitalist. sloth is about indifference-indifference toward the soul, indifference toward other human beings, indifference toward the world, indifference toward God.” we live in a world that keeps us so busy and in need to be immediately gratified that we become indifferent because we don’t see results quick enough. the verse that slapped me in the face while studying sloth was proverbs 18:9 “one who is slack in his work is brother to one who destroys”.
you are probably asking, but working and not working are completely different, how is one who works slothful? after reading into it a little i got a different view on the subject. sloth is being indifferent but it can also represent the hyperactivity that we immerse ourselves into with no objections. the article also says “sloth is a zeal for what is trivial, and it infects both the fanatic and the apathetic with the same disease.” me spending 4415646 hours on facebook is just as bad as me sitting on a couch doing absolutely nothing which is also just as bad as me being obsessed with money and my job because they all 1) take me away from pursuing a relationship with God and 2) take me a way from doing God’s work in this world.
we do ctrl+alt+del all over our lives because things don’t move fast enough. and we judge that if someone’s moving slower in life (or just not in our direction at our pace) then we are better off and try to fix them. we want to fix EVERYTHING when maybe they don’t need to be fixed at all and all we need to do is just wait it out and not expect our seeds to sow overnight (or outlook to recover in a second). i just need to sit, breathe, and enjoy the stillness of life; appreciate all the things God put in our world that we overlook so often because we speed by.
so this week, i am keeping track of how much time i spend on the internet (including writing this blog). i told my community group that i would send them that time, not sure if they thought i would be serious but i am keeping track for me. the internet is a HUGE distraction for me in life and i admitted that i struggle with prayer and so the time i’m trying to not spend on the internet i am trying to spend in prayer. i am human and may fail but i’m still going to try and fight my everyday distractions.
and maybe tomorrow i won’t try to ctrl+alt+del my computer when outlook starts freaking out again…
hello, my name is nicole and i don’t have everything together
yesterday’s message at church was about the fear of judgement. being a christian i feel like i almost have to live with the façade that i have everything together, that my life is great but in all honesty it is not. in the book “unchristian” an overwhelming theme (in the beginning at least… haven’t made it to the end yet) is that christians are viewed greatly as being hypocritical and not authentic.
“so own up to your sins to one another and pray for one another. in the end, you may be healed. your prayers are powerful when they are rooted in a righteous life.” (james 5:16 – the voice)
also yesterday during the service our pastor quoted another person about giving the gift of going second. we need to reveal all of our inner junk. the stuff that we cover up because we don’t want anyone to think that we aren’t really believers or anything. you know, there are those times where all it takes is one person to open up to really get the conversation going? that is giving the gift of going second, i believe.
the problem with keeping struggles, sins and stresses in and not sharing them is that they just eat you up. this isn’t good for your relationships, health or anything as i have experienced in the past year immensely.
so, here i go…
- in the past year i have tried to take control of my life back from God (even though that’s kind of impossible) because i was mad at somethings that happened and to be honest, i probably have been staring at a closed door too long that i’ve missed all the other ones He has opened.
- i don’t ask anyone for help. ever. i could be in dire emotional stress and have been and will just let it eat me up because i don’t want to burden anyone with the broken record that i have become (repeating the same prayer requests over and over).
- fear has become a huge factor in my life decisions, especially since my car has been broken into (i wasn’t even in there when it happened). but i can’t even go walking on a trail by myself with the fear of being burglarized.
- sometimes i think nashville was a mistake. which hurts because i have made some great friends and have grown a ton but still wonder if i made the right decision.
- i know i can be happy, i think i choose to not be happy because it involves risk.
there it is. a bunch my junk out on the table. it actually felt good to write it all down. it will be scary to press the publish button because then you can read it. i totally believe that Jesus died for my sins but i struggle as every human being does with worldly things and selfishness and so much more.
and so to you my friends, i would like to tell you that it is ok to not have it all together. something that was the theme of last week (i think to prepare me for yesterday’s message & today’s blog) was that no matter what, He doesn’t give up. even as i am kicking and screaming and begging to go in another direction, He is patiently carrying me through all the tough junk at a pace that will help me be the best person i can be. luckily, even though i don’t ask for help, i have an amazing community of people around me who are ok with me sounding like a broken record even if i don’t want to sound like one.
even though i hate asking for it, i will ask for your prayers to battle these struggles and to just be patient with what lies ahead. i will be praying for you and what you are going through.
fear
i have let fear conquer me.
that is me being honest. i know i am not supposed to let it get the best of me because i do honestly believe that fear is a lack of faith. and well, i will openly admit that my faith has been eroded at and i did nothing to stop it. nothing.
thursday night, for example, i was watching oprah (whom i really don’t like) with my roommate and she was interviewing the families behind this book. the girls were involved in an accident in a van on a trip. so immediately thought, oh no, i am going on a van tomorrow to wheelwright, kentucky with my church and it will be dark and the mountains are dangerous and curvy, we can get into an accident! i talked to my mom later that night and she was like calm down! what is wrong with you?
this is how i’ve been living my life the last few months, letting stupid things conquer me and it’s been horrible. but that same day i talked to some people and read random things that really challenged my fear. will i let fear deter me from serving? i like to think not. but i did almost decide not to go to kentucky for that reason, which would have been horrible!
the ironic thing is when we returned from our overnight mission trip to wheelwright i found that my car had been broken into and damaged.
i don’t think i would have changed anything about the trip if i knew what would happen upon returning but i don’t ever want to get to the point to where my mind would think that way and i can unfortunately see myself walking down that path because of fear.
the night before we left i was flipping through my bible and landed in job. job is never a good book to read when one is sullen but it’s where i ended. this is what it said:
yet if you devote your heart to him and stretch out your hands to him,
if you put away the sin that is in your hand and allow no evil to dwell in your tent,
then you will lift up your face without shame; you will stand firm without fear.
you will surely forget your trouble, recalling it only as waters gone by.
life will be brigher than noonday, and darkness will become like the morning.
you will be secure, because there is hope; you will look about you and take your rest in safety.
you will lie down, with no one to make you afraid, and many will court your favor.
but the eyes of the wicket will fail, and escape will elude them; their hope will become a dying gasp.
job 11:12-20
so what now? how do i conquer fear? i guess i answered my question earlier by making fear and faith mutually exclusive but it is easier said than done.
anyways. to my 5 readers out there, i would greatly appreciate if while you were praying that you would just pray for everything that will come with this horrible car breaking-in thing. for more reasons than i can mention it really is a very hard time for me to have to deal with this. and i do know that i am blessed beyond belief after visiting wheelwright, but i really am in the middle of a lot of difficult things right now and well i guess, when it rains it pours, right? just pray that i can stay strong and endure the storm that i am in.
i am back :)
yes, it’s been a while since i have last typed some words on my blog and there are many reasons for that. the main one being i scheduled and took the gre (graduate record exam)… yup. there were many hours of studying and practice testing and tears but it is now OVER. i took the 3-4 hour test on thursday afternoon and while i am not going to reveal my score, i did ok. my goal was to be at least average and i did score about that. i did hope i would do better, but with the limited amount of time i was able to study i did improve my score about 200 points from my first practice test to the actual test.
the biggest lesson learned through the last few weeks is that i really can’t control what happens, i can influence a little but in the end there are many things out of my hands. God’s logic is much better than mine and in the end not everything has to make sense. i am going to need this ingrained in my head for the next several months. maybe one day i’ll be able to share why but if i were to look back at the times where i really relied on God the most, those were the times where nothing made sense and were also the times that i was happy.
also, i am so so so hard on myself. i hold myself up to standards that can probably never be met. this is how i’ve always lived my life and this past year has shown horrible health repercussions because of it. i grind my teeth at night, i have had horrible back muscle problems and more all because of the stress that comes out of this horrible way to live. the ironic thing is that on friday (the day after my test) the merriam-webster word of the day (i signed up to have these emails sent to build my vocab for the test) was “fastidious” which means having high and often capricious standards : difficult to please. i was blown away when i saw this because i was super bummed the next morning when i realized the test was over and i was stuck with my score, to me, this meant that i need to stop being so fastidious!
and it’s true. i just need to believe it all the time
i get by with a little help from my friends
it’s true. no man is an island. relationships are necessary or as my pastor said yesterday they are worth the risk and to be completely honest i think they are.
tonight i got to spend time with a group of people i hang out with every other monday. my franklin small group i joined this group around a year ago, when i lived in franklin and was still very new to my church. it was a challenge to myself to really get to know people at my new church and surround myself with people who could be encouraging to me on my spirtual walk. to be completely honest, i didn’t think i would last at first. i felt that i had very little in common with most of these people. many have children and are married and i just couldn’t relate… but for some reason, i stuck with it, even after i moved to nashville (and away from franklin).
i find myself more and more, each time we meet, learning to trust these people with what’s on my heart. something happened in the past year that turned it from just being my every other monday small group to something i look forward to, and something that helps me know that God still has a plan for me even through crazy hard times.
i am involved in one other group from church and every other week i get together with a wonderful bunch of girls from rocketown (not so much a small group as it is just great hangout time ). there were times in the last 6 months where i could have packed up my car and just left and i can whole-heartedly say that these people i have surrounded myself with are a large reason why i still have a tennesse license plate on my car and they make me want nashville to really work out.
without diving more into extreme cheesy-ness… i just wanted to share that tough times suck, but are much more enjoyable when there are people along the sidelines cheering you on while you run those painful miles.
here’s to not being an island
the heart
the heart
from my post today at lifeinapicture.com – i reposted my entry from lifeinapicture.com because this is how i felt today and wanted to include it on both blogs
my painting
i was home sick today and the last movie i got from netflix was “p.s. i love you“, i wasn’t really wanting to watch it but i got tired of watching cnn after like 6 hours so i thought what the heck, i can always turn it off… right? so i put it in and initially i thought it was going to be a sappy movie and wasn’t in the mood for that, but as it got further in i was hooked. it was very creative and ending even surprised me, i highly recommend it. i cried a lot though but i cry watching kodak commercials, so that say much.
but the movie really made me think about how much of a wall i am really building around myself right now. i do think some friends have helped put up some bricks too in helping me want to isolate myself… but i really am at the point where i am shutting people out left and right and i need to bust out a sledgehammer and tear down some walls…
my picture of the day is a painting i did a couple years ago with the same thoughts in mind. i painted what i envisioned to be the wall we build around our hearts. at this point in the painting there is still hope to break down those walls, so i have to choose with path i want to go down…
it only is going to pile higher…
presently at my church we are going through a series entitled ‘baggage’.
at one of my small groups a couple months ago someone mentioned how we take things in our lives that we want to hide and put it in the linen closets of our hearts thinking no one will ever see it. truth is God knows it’s there and it’s silly that i think i can hide anything. but what this series is doing to me (because i want and need it to) is take a huge flashlight into the dark closet and begin just dealing with stuff.
today forgiveness was discussed. i went in thinking, oh i’ve forgiven everyone but in the end, i do live a very bitter life right now and i know there’s some forgiving i need to do.
and i realized the more angry and upset i have gotten in my life, the more i feel like my relationship with God has suffered. it’s as if all the energy i could have spent on good, i actually spend lugging around tons of junk. now, my friends, is time to redirect some energy. :)
i’ll leave you with a verse that slapped me in the face tonight… ”look after each other so that none of you fails to receive the grace of God. watch out that no poisonous root of bitterness grows up to trouble you, corrupting many” [hebrews 12:15]
make a wish
tonight i saw two shooting stars while sitting at centennial park. while in the company of some wonderful friends it was great to escape the conversation for those few seconds after i saw each one to make a wish (i can’t tell you what i wished for or it won’t come true ). but there was something comforting about making those wishes.
i have been living in recent months with the mindset that hope can be just as evil as it can be good. there was a short lived show called ‘injustice’ that i thought was amazing. it followed a lawyer and a group of people who fought to exonerate people from being charged with a crime they didn’t commit. thinking about this show made me remember an old blog post i had written on 03/05/06 about 2.5 years ago, shortly after i moved here and before i got my current job. i feel like i was so wise then, i had my priorities straight and i was completely relying on God… here’s what i wrote:
being an avid fan of the show injustice, i can’t help but remember an episode that occured early on in the series where the man behind bars said, “hope is my enemy.”
there are few things that i want to experience in my life and living without hope is one of those things. i went through a period post-graduation where i ran very low on hope and that is a level of unhappiness that was unbearable, because i couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. but on the other hand, what if hope is also my enemy? giving myself false hope for something that may or may not happen can lead to an even bigger heart break than not hoping. where is the balance?
this weekend i couldn’t help but think about how evil can work in hope and today my pastor said it best when we take things that we believe will be self-gratifying and begin to idolize them over God. we idolize self-interest. so then why do we have hope?
dictionary.com defines ‘hope’ as, “to wish for something with expectation of its fulfillment.” people hope to win the lottery, but do they really expect it to be fulfilled? i feel like i almost become so focused on my expectations being fulfilled that i lose track of everything that is important in my life.
when i refer to hope i mean it in every part of my life from hoping that i get a job, hoping that i don’t get sick, etc. as i mentioned in a previous post, i am learning how much i am striving towards things that immediately satisfy my selfish wants as opposed to long-term investment in my actual needs. what is my hope is not in all reality hope at all, it’s just the evil in selfishness coming to surface while what i really should have hope for is shadowed behind the clouds that i have created.
so when the man on “injustice” described hope as being his worse enemy, i can sympathize, because we can idolize our hopes so much that it puts us in our own prison. we can have our hopes and dreams, but when they cross the line to where it consumes us that is when our hope becomes an enemy. and from being a christian i am learning that the best thing to do with my hope prior to it’s transition into something dangerous is to just give it to God because He can control it more than i can.
too many possibilities, not sure which one to pick
something has to change, but what this i just can’t pin point (well some things i can…)
i guess i have become much more fearful in recent years, like i have much more to lose or something. i have no idea. it’s like, when i was a teenager i was able to go on roller coasters and stuff but now i won’t touch them. what changed? does this come with age? am i going to become super boring? i don’t want to be boring! :)
all i know is i am holding onto something tightly and am not ok with letting go. the $100,000 question is… what am i holding on to?
so if i can ask the worldwideweb for a prayer request, i ask that you pray that i figure out what i am holding on to and ask that i can let it go and move on.
thank you!
